Dating (in Islam) WHAT?

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 Can We Date - in Islam? 
marriage islam

What Does Islam Say About
Dating, Love & Marriage?

Here is The Question: Can we 'date' in Islam? If not, why not?

What is the Islamic ruling for a Muslim boy and a Muslim girl, who go to the same college and they are deeply in love and want to be together?

Can they date each other? Or does Islam forbid the normal relationships we have in today's world?

What is allowed in Islam?

Also, what if the parents of the girl have already selected another man for her to marry, but she doesn't want him to be her husband, she wants the one who she already loves?

First of all, thank you for seeking knowledge and asking from the sources of Islam.

Let us examine the difference between love, dating, romance & marriage.

ROMANCE
Romance, if not checked, may mean wasting time, effort and dignity. Islam teaches us to be truthful and realistic. Besides, the concept of love in Islam is very unique, when a Muslim loves something or somebody, it must be for the sake of Allah; the same applies to hatred.
The romantic notions that occupy the mind of young people often have proven in most cases to be unrealistic and harmful to those involved. We only have to look at the alarming divorce rate in the West to understand this point.
To give an example, the couple know each other for years, are intimate, live together and so on.
Yet somehow this does not guarantee the success of the future marriage. Romance and love simply do not result in an everlasting bond between two people.
In most cases, romance and love die out very quickly when couple find themselves with the real world. The unrealistic expectation that young people have is what often contributes to the failure of their relationship.

DATING

One of our current scholars told us, "Dating prepares us - NOT for marriage, but for DIVORCE.
After being "involved" with a person for a time, and then breakiing up and going through the feelings of remorse or loneliness and unhappiness, and then moving on to the next "relationship" and then another break-up, hard feelings, sadness and then yet another series of dating, hanging out, breaking up and so on.
Definitely a married couple who have both been in "relationships" prior to marriage, falling in love, arguing, breaking up and then going through the sad feelings and repeating this over and over, are much more likely to end up in a very rough marriage and very possible divorce.
There is no room in Islam for illicit affairs or the Western vogue-word of boyfriend and girlfriend. All those stories of media and movies are not helpful to make a person comply with the teachings of Islam.

MARRIAGE

Islam teaches us that marriage is the finest, purest and permissible relationship that should exist between a male and female; it should be the goal that they both have in mind.
Marriage is so serious and so important that it is clearly defined in the Quran and in the teachings of Islam by the prophet, peace be upon him.
You may be surprised to learn the subject of Divorce - is also mentioned and dealt with in very clear terms, to insure that it does not happen except with due consideration and proper representation and insurance of rights for both parties.
Quran offers many references concerning rights and limits in marriage, love and divorce. There is even an entire surah (chapter) named Al Talaq (The Divorce).
Marriage in Islam is a beautiful way for two people to bring together their families, heritage and culture for the purpose of bringing more little Muslims into the world, in love, commitment and dedication to Allah, His Book, His prophet, peace be upon him, and surrender to Him in peace (Islam).

Question #1

The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
"Three qualities, if found in a person, will help him have perfect faith: Having Allah and His Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him, as the most beloved ones, loving a person only for the sake of Allah and hating getting back to Kufr (disbelief) the way one hates to be thrown into fire."
That means love is a fruit of piety. Love without piety is mischief.

There is no concept of courtship in Islam as it is practiced in the West. There is no dating or living in de facto relationship or trying each other out before committing to each other. There is to be no physical relationship whatsoever before marriage.

From an Islamic perspective, in choosing a partner, the most important factor that should be taken into consideration is Taqwa (piety and consciousness of Allah).
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, recommended the suitors to see each other before going through with marriage procedures.
That is very important because it is unreasonable for two people to be thrown into marriage and be expected to have a successful marital life, full of love and affection, when they know nothing of each other. The couple are permitted to look at each other.

This ruling does not contradict the Qur'anic verse that says, “…believing men and women should lower their gaze” (An-Nur: 30). The couple, however, are not permitted to be alone in a closed room or go out together alone. As the Hadith says: "When a man and a woman are together alone, the Shaytan (Satan) makes their third."
One of the conditions of a valid marriage is the consent of the couple. Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people.
The choice of a partner by a Muslim virgin girl is subject to the approval of the father or guardian. This is to safeguard her welfare and interests. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "The widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented to that and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is sought."
The Prophet did nullify the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.

Though love is something nice, and it is recommended for a man to marry a woman whom he loves, because the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: “There is nothing better for two who love each other than marriage.” (Sahih Al-Jami`, 5200)
However, this love should not be overwhelming and cause a person to forget other characteristics which he should look for in the person he wants to marry.

The most important characteristic is religious commitment. The Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said:
A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her commitment to religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust [i.e., may you prosper]!” (Agreed-upon Hadith).

Dear brother in Islam, we hope that the main points of the issue have become clear. Now, let’s assume that you are the person mentioned in your question:

On what basis would you like to choose your partner? Wouldn’t you look to her commitment to Islam – does she pray regularly, for example? Does she adhere to the Islamic Hijab prescribed by Shari'ah?

If the lady you want to marry is religious, of good manners, and obeys Allah and His Messenger, and both of you want to please Allah in this world in order to earn reward in the Hereafter, then you have made a perfect choice, and we ask Allah to fulfill your hopes and bring you together in a good way. If she is not, then you should reconsider your choice. May Allah help you to do what He loves and what pleases Him!

Question #2

Let us understand the difference between arranged engagements and forced marriages.

Islam does not allow anyone to be forced into marriage. Clearly Quran forbids this, read it in ayah 19, in surah An-Nisaa' (The Women)

At the same time, the parents or guardians of the youth are responsible to find the best of matches for their children. This involves knowing first of all, your own child and second of all to know about the potential spouse, and also very important - to know the family and their ways, before recommending marriage.

There is an Arabic proverb that says: "Love is blind, it makes zucchini turn into okra". Arranged marriages, on the other hand, are based not on physical attraction or romantic notions, but rather on critical evaluation of the compatibility of the couple. That is why such marriage often proves successful.

The West makes fun of the Islamic way of marriage, in particular arranged marriage. Yet, the irony is that statistically arranged marriages prove to be more successful and lasting than romantic types of courtship. This is because people are blinded by the physical attraction and thus do not choose the compatible partner.

The girl’s refusal to marry a person who has asked her hand in marriage, we suggest that, if such thing happens, the person in question can make efforts and seek all permissible ways to persuade the father or the guardian of the girl to give her in marriage to him.

One can just bring mediators from within the family, i.e. he can resort to those people whose word carries weight to help in the issue.

One can also seek the help of the Imam of the Islamic Center where the girl’s father goes, to talk with him about this, and always pray earnestly to Allah to help realize the dream if it’s good. But we have to emphasize that it is not lawful to compel a girl to marry someone she does not want.

Please dear brothers and sisters, BEFORE making up your mind, BEFORE you let yourself fall in LOVE - BEFORE you get into something you will regret later -- ASK ALLAH.

Salatul Istakharah (the prayer for letting Allah to choose for you), is the most important and most effective way to find what will make you the happiest and give you the best partner for your life here and in the Hereafter.

Trust Allah - do the Salatul Istakharah...

COMMENTS?
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Comments   

#23 Afshan sultana 2017-06-03 03:20
I have been in relationship witha a boy for three years and we love each other a lot alhumdulillah. Our families also know about this and we are waiting for the right time to get married. Is it right to meet him before marriage or after the engagement?
#22 ina 2016-11-27 01:59
is it ok to date someone knowing that he isn't a virgin?

EDITOR: Date? Excuse me, but that is what leads to someone NOT being a "virgin".

Dating is not allowed in Islam for EXACTLY THAT REASON.
Ask yourself a question: "Would I use a towel I find laying in a public restroom to dry my hands and face?"
(NO) Why?
Because: "You don't know who used it or for what!"
Get the picture?
#21 mariam 2016-01-28 07:48
Assalam Aleykum..i was looking for a religious guy to marry and my friend knew this guy he used to school with him and gave him my number..Since then we've been communicating via watsup and found out he is indeed a good guy,well mannered and has deen.But my conscious is troubling me as i love this guy and he loves me and we have decided to get married but hasn't not come to parents yet.am i allowed to still communicate with him or should i stop the communication and wait for him to come to my parents..and note that he is studying in abroad and has got some few months before he returns home.and we have never met only pictures.. please help me
#20 Mohammed 2015-05-24 02:00
Assalalmualikum

Sir, two weeks back a girl's family from qatar came to me with a marriage proposal . And i contacted the father of the girl on phone and he asked me to chat with her on skype. I chatted with her for 2 weeks on skype and she asked about my deen and she was quite religious and asked me if i am islamic and said i pray five times a day..follow the sunnah of Prophet Muhammed SAW . Now she was demanding me on letting her completing her degree from a university in canada. But I work in UAE and I cannot let her study in canada because she will there in canada without me. So yesterday she skype me and told me this proposal is not going any furthur and lets stop it here..so i said okay.. my point is I found the girl with deen and i fell in love with her..so please tell me how do i forget her..or should i say her that i like her..i am quite confused..may Allah SWT help me..i need your guidance my fellow muslim brothers..
#19 safana 2015-04-12 11:26
my question is that whether secret marriage is allowed in Islam ?

Answer: This question needs a scholar who is familiar with the whole story.
Do not accept any fatwah (ruling) of something special as a general rule for everyone...
#18 Kaylynn Strain 2015-01-31 00:26
Asalamu alaikum. I am now 49 and have lived alone since the late '80s. Since I said my shahadah I have waited patiently to find my husband. Up til now I and my wali, who I chose, have struck out. Because my body is changing, as happens with women around my age I will not be able to have children. Is it still permissible for me to marry or should I remain a virgin til I yield my soul to Alah?
#17 barakah 2014-11-29 10:38
I am a practicing muslim currently dating a guy i truly love who claims to love me too but am not ready for marriage,i also vowed to try abstaining from zinna with him.can i continue my affairs with him or wait till am ready for marriage?please i will be glad if reference is made from the Quran and hadith.
#16 sara 2014-11-07 03:40
I just wanted to ask is it Haram to talk to your fiancé before arranged marriage ?? I am 17 and I was engaged since I was umm.... about 14, I had never seen the guy but recently I have been in touch with him & talking to him ...he is abroad far from where I live. Our parents don't know about us talking ...
I have checked different websites and asked a few people but they all say different things ....I really need help!!! I really dont know if I am doing right or wrong
#15 jasmeen 2014-09-23 16:42
i donnu what happened with me...
me and my cousin loved each other and well we were together from a long time and realized that its better if we get married...lots of things happened and we ended up doing nikah on skype...
there were witlessness and the imaam of the mosque asked us the i accept part...
things were fine for almost 17 days then...my cousin came and told me our nikah didn't take place...the man who asked us for our approvals was drunk that day and he don't remember doing our nikah and all..
so can i know whether our nikah took place or not..moreover now our parents know we like each other,instead of thinking about our marriage they forced us to be separated and things are not going fine with his parents and mine...
1st of all they are like grow up...i am 15 and he is 20...but i think we are allowed to get married at this age...islam gives us the right..
can u plz help me with my problem :)
#14 Sonia 2014-07-10 18:47
I am in love with a Christian guy and he loves me back... In order for me to marry him does he have to convert to islam or he can stay in Christianity and still get married with me?

EDITOR to Sonia:
If you are a Christian girl its better to marry from your own faith. When you marry someone who is of a different faith, there is always a conflict between parents, raising children, education, careers, and of course - where, how, why, when and WHO do we worship?

If you are a Muslim, you must find a Muslim boy who is truly committed to Islam.

By the way - YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE - You are in LUST! Both of you are operating on your hormones. Save yourself for a husband you can have here halal way and Hereafter in Paradise, inshallah.
May Allah Help you and Guide you ameen.

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